on the res.

Happy new year everyone.

last year was certainly a good one. well, for the most part. I think I was more depressed then I have ever been in my life for a part of it... but thats ok.

in any case, nows not the time to think about depressing things like love and whatnot. Now is the time to remember the positive, and remove the negative. Its also a time to party, but I dont pay attention to that last time.

So, I thought I would take this time to make some new years resolutions.

I thought my first resolution should be to grow a pair of testicles, but upon further review, I do have some of those. two. to be exact. so, I guess I just need to have more self confidence.

I think thats the only thing I want to work on. Everything else will come from that.

I had a great new years.

I hope this year yields more for me in some areas of my life then 2009 did.

good night :)

Here is what I want.

this is what I want.

I want the first season of glee. I want 500 days of summer. I want ah.

I want college to be here. I want to not have to pay for college. I want a new bassoon. I want new bassoon reeds, so I can stop sounding like crap.

I want my dad to allow me to buy what I want with my money. I want a new tennis raquet.

I want one who I cant have.

what do I need?

nothing.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

It came without packages! Boxes! or Bags!

As much as I like getting gifts, I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter. I would much rather just spend time with my friends. For I know that it would cease to be about gifts, and be more about spending time with eachother, and sharing the love. I like love. its my favorite.

In related news. I think I'm in love. But its different than the other times. This is more real. Its hard to describe. In any case, the response is still the same. oh well. I guess I should be used to it.

I think I will be the greatest parent since my dad. I have decided.

2010 will be the year of josh gaining speed in the game of life. Nothing will be able to stop him. He may even Gain national attention. Just sayin is all.

I hope you all realize the true meaning of christmas. I think when I'm a parent, we wont celebrate christmas. Ill come up with a new holiday, it will be centered around love.

have a happy christmas.

boundaries.

when I was little, my dad taught me about fences. There are emotional fences, and physical fences.

I dont know why, but I just felt like talking about that. I feel like I cross fences sometimes.

I wish I didnt have to agonize over certain things.

The list of people that I dislike grows longer every day. someday I will write it down, and mail it to everyone I dont like. that way they could see what terrible company they are in. and maybe do things that make me like them.

yep, thats my solution.

I really really really really really really really really really really like someone.

maybe in time... things can work in my favor for once.

201

Today, is a good day.

regardless of the shitty test that I had, and regardless of how upset I was earlier, today is a great day.

I love choir, and money, and getting accepted to the school I want to go to, and getting money from said school.

I'm so tired, and so excited, that I dont even care about the test I have tomorrow in psychology. Ill just get up early for that.

I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.

I think he thinks I'm crazy, or soemthing.

Here are two poems that I have found quite inspiring.

The peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.


— Wendell Berry


Invictus


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

As I see it.

Once, there was a boy. He thought he knew things about the world. And then he met a girl. The boy no longer knew things about the world, in fact, The boy had no clue about anything. This girl had flipped his entire world upside, sideways, and every other ways there was. He had to learn anew what he thought he knew.

He thought he knew about love. He knew nothing!

Maybe it was not that he knew nothing, simply that he did not believe he was right.

He thought he knew about treating people with respect. He knew Nothing!

Perhaps he knew quite well how to treat others with respect, but the girl just did it differently.

He thought he knew about writing. He knew nothing!

Coincidentally, the boy had received several awards for his writing.

After the boy realized this, the girl left. and the boy was left a confused, blubbering, mess.

What I'm trying to say is, dont be insecure about yourself, you are a fantastic person! goodbye.

lets cut to the chase.

I'm not gonna be all poetic and shit, in fact, for from it.

Heres what I have to say:

The only thing we have to keep ourselves going in the world, is ourselves.

I think I'm losing myself.

In other news, This year feels like every other year except last year.

I'm super tired, so I'm going to sleep.

PS. twitter is annoying.

the best thing to do.

I have decided that the best thing to do is to stay above it all. Dont allow yourself to be sucked into it.

That is what have made myself do. until now, that is. and then it gets blown back in my face. so< i guess that will teach me to not get involved. I'm glad its over now.

in the meantime, I'm gonna read up on my economics. and maybe do some force summation.

have a good evening, and dont stab anyone.

where am I?

I dont know where I am. I feel like I'm in the right place, and then something comes and pushes me over.

I dont like it when people dont like me. It is my least favorite thing ever.

here, this is how I try to live.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I do it all for others

You know, my mommy really annoys me sometimes, and others... she does not.

I dont really know what to do anymore.

I could ask again, as I never really got an answer. Then again, I could not ask again.

even my dad has a date...

The way it is.

I cant be gay, because I dont like shopping. Thats all there is to it. It's just the way it is. plus I like people of the feminine gender that dont have penises. just sayin is all.

In the mean time... Here is what I strive for.

I strive to be the best person that I can be, no matter where I am. And in the end, the result wont matter. because everything will have worked itself out. Thats all that can happen.

In the mean time, I'm super lonely. I wouldnt mind having someone to hold, and call my own. Just sayin is all.

Also, my tummy hurts like none other, and I need to go to sleep. so, I will see y'all later.

Lonely.

lonely, I'm so lonely.

blah blah blah blah blah.

who cares if I'm lonely or not.

In any case... Try not to let the things that you cant change stress you out. it does no good.

You are a panda jerk.

I'm just kidding, I love you like theres no tomorrow.

good night.

Badoop ba badoop ba badoop bop

I'm gonna be super good at whatever I do.

I do not feel odd typing my feelings into this box. This box will listen to whatever I have to say. It wont judge, and It wont call me names, and it wont make me feel weird. plus, I cant find my journal. so, this box will have to do.

I'm tired of the word awkward. Its dumb, and its a mindset that I dont like at all. Things are only awkward if you say that they are awkward. This is all I have to say about this matter.

rejected again today.

I wrote on the board the other day. it said: YOU CAN.

I dont know if I can.

fashionable

I'm quite fashionable.

I was walking, and I realized... no wait. I didnt realize anything, because I was so damn tired.

Its been a really long day, and I cant wait for it to be done with. I just want to go to sleep.

ah well, I must derive before I can sleep. Oh wait. I cant derive tired, thats dangerous. I guess I better wait to do that then.

good night, I love you.

Qualifications.

Good afternoon everyone.

I was thinking, if I could make a list of everything I could ask for in a woman, I think only one person (at the moment), would have every one of those qualities.

I need someone who can make me laugh. I need someone who I can make laugh. I need someone who doesnt care what others think of her. I need someone who has a lot in common with me. I need someone who can write. I need someone who likes me for me. I need someone who is crazy. I need someone who is calm. I need someone who knows how to treat other human beings. I need someone who wants change. I need someone who knows who they are. I guess most of all I need you.

Dont be a tinkledork. Show yourself!

I leave for a birthday party, but first I must finish my present.

goodbye everyone, I shall see you in a little while.

hello.

Hi, this is the new me speaking.

I just thought you should know that in order to accomodate the changes that I made in my personal life yesterday, I changed my blog around and added some new music. I hope you enjoy it.

I dont really have any great insights, except that I want college to be here. And I also wish I could play trombone a thousand times better than I do.

My eyes hurt.

I need somebody to love.

Sometimes the music comes to me. When it does, I am happy.

Sometimes, I feel wanted.

I always love you.

Happy birthday best friend. I love you more than words can say.

Good night.

dear most beautiful woman I have ever had the good fortune to lay my eyes on.

tonight, I am done with you.

end.

Siddhartha

I checked out my favorite book from the library again. I love this book so much. Its practically my bible.

Today, I realize that I want to play music for sure for the rest of my life. Its the only thing that will make me happy. I also realize that I'm tired of being alone. Its like that song by neil young...

"I need someone to love me the whole day through..."

I'm tired of not having that...

In any case, I must go to sleep, as I spent the wee hours of this morning watching the skies for meteors. It was quite amazing, but now it is time for me to go to sleep.

I wonder why she can tell me she loves me one night, and not any other night. It makes me quite sad. Its as if she knows what I want, and purposely is denying it to me.

goodnight. I love you.

the chain rule

The chain rule states that you must work from the outside in. I really dont know anything else. It all goes over my head.

Tonight, I feel angry. I want to stop feeling angry. It just doesnt work I guess.

Tonight, I want love.

My eyes hurt.

I'm really excited for this weekend, and I have concluded that there is nothing that will stop me from having a blast.

I want nothing more than to be able to hold your hand and have it mean something more than I'm holding your hand. If I could have that, if even for a split second, I would be the happiest boy on the planet. I like it when things have meaning.

In this very instant, I wish I could make you happy.

Remember that I love you more than anything.

goodnight.

I'm back

I cant deny it. I guess its just the way it works. I'm back to the way things were a couple months ago. I hope things turn out differently.

at the beginning of the evening, they were both on equal levels. at the end of the night, the balance shifted all the way to the darker side. I'm ok with that. because the lighter side went somewhere else.

goodnight. I cant wait for lots of things.

thoughts on an honorable topic. Honor.

I am honored. But wait. What does that mean? To be honored. to have honor? The dictionary holds many thoughts on the matter, but I do not believe what Merriam Webster thinks is indicative of what honor truly means. The best meanings come from the human beings experience what these words mean. In my experience, a person with honor has several qualities that set him or her apart from everyone else.

A person with Honor has integrity. What does integrity mean, you ask? Integrity is the ability to stay true to yourself, no matter what is going on. Whether it be on a test, and keeping your answer, even when you see another answer on another paper that may be a titch better, or following through with something, even though you may not want to, or it may not benefit you in the moment. Integrity means being accountable for your actions. It means not allowing others to do the work for you. When you let others do your work, you are letting yourself down. It does not mean being perfect, it simply means doing the work, admitting your mistakes, and learning from them. Integrity is showing the world that you are a complete person, and that you have the ability to honor yourself.

While integrity is something that I believe is a defining characteristic of honor, I believe that there are other things to help define it.

The ability to go through the day without boasting your accomplishments is something that few have the ability to do, but it is one of the most honorable things one can achieve. I believe that humility is another one of the Describing characteristics of honor. To be Humble is to have no ego, for the ego clouds the mind, and does not show everyone the real person that you are. It takes away from a person’s integrity. It allows you to be influenced by what others think of you. Humility takes the ego out of the equation, without removing your spirit.

The last thing a person with honor has is the ability to do the right thing. Not simply the ability to do the right thing, but to do the right thing for the right reasons. Doing it because you know you will be rewarded is not the right reason. Doing it because other people told you to is not the right reason. To me, the right reason is this: it is the right thing to do. That seems reason enough to me. If someone asks you for help with a project, isn’t it logical that you help them? It seems that way to me. I believe that if you do the right thing simply to do the right thing, you have begun to have honor in your actions.

As you go about your business as human beings, I encourage all of you to keep a few things in mind. Remember that if you are humble, you may not gain the recognition from others that you seek, but you do gain the respect of others. Remember that the ego is perhaps not always the best thing to have around. Remember that If you are true to yourself, if you keep your integrity if you don’t let your ego get in your way, if you have humility in all that you do, you will have no limits as to how far you can go. It is as one of my teachers once told me “The second you try to be better than someone else is the second you have placed a limitation upon yourself”

Blonde, blue eyes.

I think those are the qualities that you must have if you want to be my best friend. luckily, my best friends have these qualities. Thank goodness for that.

I feel... Joyous tonight. I guess its just the music.

I would tell you all that I am feeling tonight, but I dont want to. I'm just going to say that I feel better than I have in a long time. It most definately is the music.

I'm in love with best friend.

I'm in love with my best friend.

Good night.

Who is left for me?

I look around, and theres just a bunch of people. Some walking hand in hand, some hunched over, reading a book, and some just blabbering away to whomever has the unfortunate task of listening to them. I see all these people, and I wonder where I belong. I'm really not sure. I suppose only time will tell.

I'm pretty sure I have been told all the right things regarding music. Now I just have to listen to them.

Its hard to remember a time when Ive been more excited for something. But I just cant wait for college.

In the mean time, a certain thing happened to me this weekend. Now the one person that has been constantly on my mind since... february, is no longer allowed to be there. I guess Ill have to find someone else. Maybe tomorrow night will tell.

have lots of fun in your future. DOnt do drugs.

master of the house.

Heres what I think. I Think that my decisions should be my decisions. Regardless of the magnitude of those decisions.

I'm in love.

Just like always.

Darn gorillas.

I really cant wait to be in a good ensemble. It will make my life. I'm so excited for college.

I HATE ADVISORY!

sorry for the lack of cohesiveness, I'm in a weird mood. but I cant wait to see my other half. :)

One

One thing that I really love, is you. You make me so happy. I thank you for reading this, because it makes me feel like I am worth something. I know thats ridiculously back asswards, but I dont really care. Until I figure out how to make myself happy, I'm going to rely on others opinions of me.

I love how you tell me I'm sweet. I love how you will always hang out with me when I'm in need. I love how you send me random text messages. I love how you always have a smile for me. I love how I can tell you anything. I love how you love me, and I love you.

I love you all.

I remember when I was real, when I didnt succumb to everything. I didnt have many friends then. I'm fake now, but at least I have friends.

Was it worth it?

What can make me feel like a real person again? Who? How?

In the meantime, I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when its real.

tattoo

The time is now. There is no other time, and there will never be any other time. I hope you can realize that.

I think I'm going to get a tattoo. Ive always wantd one. That way I can be one of those really cool artists with dreadlocks, and a badass tattoo, and eat breakfast at the hard times cafe, and be in the may day parade, and make fun of conservatives, and be a liberal, and have people think I'm really smart.

That happens to everyone when they get a tattoo.

I dreamed you loved me. It was magnificent. Then I woke, and everything returned to normal.

I'm not a real person.

I have decided that although I say I'm different, and although I say I think differently than others, I am no different than the rest of this messed up society.

maybe this realization makes me different.

Whatever.

in other news, on sunday night, I had thoughts that I have never had before. thoughts that scared me, and prompted me to turn around and return to my house. Thoughts that shouldnt have occured, but they did.

I'm tired of feeling like an inadequate person.

I wanna feel like a real person.

The master plan.

Yesterday, at approimately four o clock, central standard time, I sent into motion my master plan. Today, it should be in its final stages, with one of two outcomes waiting for me. Acceptance, or rejection. I pray for the former. But, would not be surprised one bit if the latter were to come at me with the fury of a thousand suns.

Ah well, such is life.

I hope you have a fantabulous evening. Wish for the former for me. I approve of acceptance.

I must go and toot my horn now.

Courage

I wish I could muster up the courage to say what I really want to say. Sometimes I feel like I can, but then I think about what could happen if the wrong answer were to spring forth. I cant have that.

I realize that I have basically completely forgotten about someone who has been on my mind constantly, until aobut 4 weeks ago. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Whatever, I guess they brought it on themselves, and are no worse off because of it.

I often wonder about whether or not I am a good person. I was reassured last night, but I still wonder. I wonder if the people who ive done bad things to think I'm a good person. I wonder if the people who have never talked to me in their life think I'm a good person.

I guess it doesnt really matter what they think, I should be listening to myself, rather than them.

I hope my wish comes true. I hope yours does too.

I leave you with a quote.

"A single event can awaken a stranger totally unknown to us. To be alive is to be slowly born." - antoine de saint exupery.

I must get back to class.

last night

Of all the ridiculous things... WHy do I have to be in the position that I doubt everything I have ever known. I hope you're happy "random blogger friend" you and your deception have captured my mind.

I suppose it was to make me think about ignorance, and other such things.

I think its better to remain ignorant, then we dont have to doubt everything.

I'm going to sleep. wake me up when its real.

Ebbie

I will forget today. Today has had many things happen that I would like to forget.

I am not sad. It is not right to be sad. Granted, I'm not happy... but I cant allow myself to be sad.

Death is a celebration of life. I'm not willing to be sad, just because everyone else is. The dead dont want sadness. The dead want rejoicing.

And so, I will rejoice in the fact that I was fortunate enough to grow as a person from knowing you. I will rejoice in the fact that the world was a better place with you in it. I will rejoice in the fact that other people grew as people from knowing you. And I will rejoice in the fact that you are the epitome of love.

Thank you. and I love you.

the most beautiful

I love today.

I love her, but I also love you.

Its as if every part of my body freezes up.

I havent laughed as hard as I did tonight in a long time. I'm so glad I went, and I think I have found my new best friends. maybe something more?

I'm going to sleep soon.

I really miss you, and I want to talk with you.

goodnight.

I'm quite tired tonight.

I'm quite tired tonight, But I would rather not succumb to the power of sleep.

I dont even think megan fox is that attractive. But as I realized this week, I have a specific design that is in my brain, and it doesnt include her.

It more includes her... thats ana ivanovic, and shes the second most beautiful woman in the world. Shes one of the two people that I am truly and madly in love with on this earth.

I prefer reality. Just, sometimes reality hurts.

I'm going to sleep now, please dont die, or succumb to the succubus that is ann coulter. You wont survive.

Good night.

us

Insight exceeds my grasp tonight. I feel as though it is tapping on my shoulder, but every time I look to grab it, it jumps in front of me. tantalizingly close, yet agonizingly far away.

I feel a lot better than two nights ago.

tomorrow should be fun, hopefully I like it there. I'm kind of excited :)

Today was a great day at work, I loved every second of it.

I feel happyish.

GAH!

I used to get angry, now I just get sad.

I really wish I had someone to sit next to right now, just to hold, or for them to hold me. Thats all I want.

I'm tired of Want. I dislike it, it causes suffering.

I'm going to write a story right now. It will be a masterpiece.

Goodnight. I definately cant tell you I love you tonight. Just not possible.

Looks arent everything.

I hate that looks are everything.

My eyes hurt.

I want to hold someone in my arms, I dont care who. Just as long as they can look into my eyes, and I can look into their eyes, and we will both see the other in them.

I'm tired, so I will go to bed soon.

Biblical

For as long as I can remember, Ive thought that I was a good person. Now I realize I'm just a person. I may be a person that can do good things, but I'm still simply a person. I am a person that is capable of unconditionally loving someone, but also hating someone with a burning passion. I dont believe I can be labeled as a good person if I am capable of both of those things at the same time. Therefore no one can be considered a good person, or a bad person because we are all capable of that.

I told the lake my deepest most inner thoughts. It responded by sending fish flying at me. I felt like it was giving me its response.

I have people to do, places to see, and people to be.

good night. I dont think I can tell you I love you tonight... I'm sorry.

Golden child

I came to the conclusion tonight that I love her. When I'm with her, it's as if all other things go away, and the only thing that I am is happy. The only thing that I want out of this life is to make her feel as happy as I feel when I'm around her.

If ginger is similar to alchohol, I will be a drunk in no time. I had 10 shots of fresh ginger today, and I could have had a lot more. It was so intense.

I also had a ton of coffee, and am still wired. Thats enough about that.

I love her.

zucchini

I cannot judge anothers shadow unless I am judging my own.

I should really start to adhere by that, I think I will become a better person if I do that.

I am addicted to something, and I really cant let it go. As my much as I would like to, I just cant.

I have not much else to say, except that I love you.

The moon.

For all intensive purposes, this has been the worst day in a long time. But, I am trying not to think of that, and think of only the good things that happened today. I think thats a fairly good thing to try and do, don't you?

So, some good things that happened today.

1. I received the CD of the concert from All-state band, and listened to it 7 times. I thouroughly enjoyed every second of it.

2. I was told that I make Harold happy with my music. That makes me extremely happy, because I love harold.

3. I began to learn a new piece of music, and made very good progress on it. Also, it is a very beautiful piece of music.

4. I made a lot of dollars in tips, so that was good.

5. I had the chance to just sit alone in the park and think for a while, it was very nice.

6. I realized that sometimes making fun of people can go too far.

7. I realized that I have the power to control my own emotions and feelings.

8. I talked to krista for a little while, which is always good.

9. I had a nice and balanced dinner.

10. I had delicious apple crisp that my dad made for me.

11. I will be receiving a free CD pretty soon. I like it.

12. I realized that I love you.

there, I feel a lot better about myself now.

good night.

counterpoint, baroque and rennaissance.

What if my blog wass just words like hate, destruction, spit, stop, no, ugly, anger, despair, and the like? Would you still read it? Would you still like me?

I applied for my first college tonight. Yay.

I feel like I'm not ready to deal with everything that goes with being an adult. but whatevs, I can handle it, I am 18 after all.

I feel like the moon and the stars know something that I dont. And that may be why I like to look at them so much. So that I can find out what they posess.

I feel like mathematics is a language I will never understand, but I am going to keep on plowing right through it, because it keeps the brain limber.

I feel like using psychology as a way to control people is all our culture has become, and that its a sick and twisted thing to do.

I feel like I shouldnt hate as many people as I do, but I also feel like I'm obligated to because of some of the things that they do.

I feel tired.

I feel love.

the munsters

My dad told me I looked like eddie munster this morning. just so you know, the munsters is a sitcom like the addams family. it ran in the early 70's. and according to my dad, "nothing beats the munsters"

that was just for your information.

I like the internet, I meet awesome people there.

I also dont like the internet, because it makes my spelling and grammar bad.

my feet are cold.

my eyes hurt.

my room is messy.

but I am alive, so those four complaints are negated.

my self esteem quivers sometimes.

I miss krista.

I love you, and all that you are.

good night.

I'm tired

I feel like this watch that I have on my wrist will give me good luck in whatever I do. That is why I am not relinquish it to my dad.

No, this watch was not hidden up some army captains ass for 3 years, but it did belong to my grandfather, who is now dead. I feel like I carry a piece of him on my wrist. So, if you ever see me talking to my hand, its because I probly have a disorder. you should look for help for me.

I'm really tired, but all the teams that I wanted to win, won. so yay.

I hope you are well. and I love you still.

good night.

wow.

Today has been a day that I might remember for a long time. I know there are many things that I did that have a lot of meaning, and I know that I will remember them for some time, but I dont know that I will remember the day as a whole.

things that are annoying: school.

Things that are weird: casinos. I had fun, but I just got this weird vibe from everything about it. How I felt, how you wouldnt know if one hour had passed, or 7, how everyone else acted, how the security guard looked at me, how some of the slot machines were very oddly named, and how little time it took me to lose all the money I brought.

Things that are gross: burger king. late at night. I did get a pissed off whopper though. it was so pissed off that it leaked on my hands.

Things that are sad: saying goodbye to your best friend. I know that shes only going an hour away, but still, thats an hour away from me. It's ok though, because we are beginning the rest of our lives, and we cant keep on doing the same thing. I just have to wait one more year. ah well, que sad for me, but que happy for her and everyone else. I'm sure they will enjoy themselves, and I will join in sometime soon.

Good night, I must go read about music theory.

just keep in mind that I will always love you.

Theater of the opressed

I have little to say tonight. I have a feeling I will have much more to say tomorrow night.

I will say this though, I am very glad for people you can talk to late at night. last night was very sad for me, and I'm glad that I had someone I could talk to. Even if just for the sixteen minutes and thirty seconds that it was.

I will also say this. today was the last day of work with krista. que triste. my heart cries a little right now.

tomorrow is a goodbye. even though she is only going an hour away, I know that things will change. it wont be the same after this week. but, I'm ok with that. and if I wasnt ok with that, I would be an idiot, and an asshole. but what I wrote on the board at work will always stay true. no matter what.

Even though many things may change, those who love you will always stay the same.

Good night.

M.C. Escher

THere are so many things running through my brain right now that I cant really put anything down. So, heres what I'll do. I'll make a list of things that I'm thinking about.

Krista
departure
ana
the fact that people only reach out when something bad happens
facebook
beginnings
endings
thats what she said jokes
cold
love
liz
bassoon
college
hate
M.C. Escher
will ferrel
maggie gyllenhaal
emma thompson
dustin hoffman
mozart
cookies
The fact that I never say no.

there. I hope you were all enthralled by that. I'm going to sleep.

I have decided that I like the way I live my life, and I dont need to fuck myself up to have fun.

just remember that I love you.

Isnt it great to be living?

god damn hand cannon

IT really doesnt matter what you do. you could grow 6 chins, have one eye, and yell at me like a mother yells at oncoming traffic (you little shit!). I wouldnt care. I would still think the "the sun shines out your butt."

I can give you a list of the foods I ate today.

two eggs, over something.
one order of deep fried pickles
one big fat bacon on a stick
one spamburger
one honey stick
one snow cone
one honey ice cream cone
one corndog
several of aunt marthas chocolate chip cookies
one small banana cream pie blizzard with chocolate ice cream

the heartburn that I have is not radiating in my kneecaps, but it is quite heartburn like. which means that it hurts.

I had quite the dream last night. Should I explain it to you? sure.

so, Im walking. and i see this girl, I like her, and i consider her my friend, but not like this. she comes up to me and says "I really like you" and practically eats my face off. and by that I mean we begin to make out. now, this isnt the part that I care about. what I care about is that in the background of the entire dream, lies the female I havent stopped thinking about since february. wearing the same outfit she wore in my dream the night before. and doing the same thing. just lurking. like shes waiting for something.

I wonder what shes waiting for.

well, thats all I have for you tonight.

remember to let her into your heart. then you can begin to make it better.

I love you.

whirlpool

I feel myself being sucked into a stressfull next couple of months. I'm trying to hold myself back, but I have a feeling that it is inevitable what is going to happen.

I just wish I could say, everything will turn out ok, and then it would.

I came to realize today that my soulmate might actually be admiral akbar.

someone told me I'm a terrible singer and that I should whistle. in addition to hurting me, and making me very angry, that also made me sing more and louder than before. I hope you're happy, woman.

I love making people laugh.

I was inspired to do this all poetic like, but then I was like, nope. thats not my style.

congratulations krista, you got a random blogger friend.

have so much fun and love and laughter that you forget how to open the fridge. then you will be happy.

demian

good eve, its been a long while since weve last shared thoughts. I'm glad we dont have to wait any longer.

Because my brain is so tired, I feel like words wont be able to flow from me as they usually do. And thats ok. I will just give a brief description of everything thats on my mind.

I'm quite glad to be back from my trip. I had tons of fun, but it is quite good to be alone. and I'm extremely glad to be sleeping in my bed.

School starts in less than a week, I have much to do to prepare. well, not really. I'm just going to act like I do so I can feel more important when school actually starts.

I have words I need to speak, but lack the courage to give them a voice.

I will be sad when my favorites leave for la universidad. que triste.

I need to write a letter so I can test out of economics.

I need to practice my bassoon so I can get a good scholarship.

I need katie to arrive soon.

other than those to things, I have many things that I want. but few things that I actually need. so, I shall go on living my life as I have, and await what challenges may arise.

Thank you.

you are, so beautiful, and I love you forever and always.

To change a life

I have been a part of the two most amazing things this month. The first was the all state band, which was amazing, and then there was the flaming lips concert that I just returned from. Fucking amazing. life changing, to say the least.

I also bought a shirt that says "mcshit" I have received lots of compliments.

I get to see a badass movie tomorrow. I'm fricken excited.

I will put more meaning into my blog when I am in a more private place.

I love you, and I love love.

ITS A TRAP!

I have seen two excelent movies in the last two nights, and I recommend that you see both of them. the two movies are 500 days of summer, and district 9. Just thought I would let you know that.

also, one of my favorite songs ever is playing in the background.

also, it makes me angry when I am told that I dont believe in things.

I would do anything for you.

Last night was tons o fun.

I love hermann hesse, I love the themes that he writes. probly because I find myself going along the same path of his characters. I also think he writes very beautifully.

I also love love. it cures all wounds, and passes all troubles away.

thank you.

two hours

Two hours isn't a long time. infinitesimal, really, in the grand scheme of things. Yet, it is still enough time to get your point across in a movie. It is also the time difference between Seattle and lake city.

I'm so glad I'm here, and not back home. If I was home, I would be having fun, but I wouldn't be having this much fun.

fun fun fun fun fun.

last night I overheard lots of different languages, and accents. I will hear many more for the next few days. its so exciting, I love it. love it love it love it.

just like I love a combination between summer finn, and sam. both fictional characters, but if they were real people, I would be in love with them.

whatever. I'm having fun, now isnt the time to think about that.

tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm so excited for it, I can hardly contain myself. Although, as is usually the case, if you were near me, you wouldnt be able to tell.

I'm going to meditate tonight. maybe that will clear my mind of what it needs to be cleared of.

My mother annoys me quite a bit sometimes. But, its understandable, she is my mother.

Maybe I should become a buddhist. I'm tired of wanting.

emotions.

I just want to throw something through a wall right now.

I'm thinking of changing my title

I feel like change needs to occur in the title department of my blog.

These are the things that I am a fan of recently:

ham.

jamie cullum.

mitch hedberg.

laughing at other peoples misfortunes, as long as I dont know them.

listening to music.

performing.

playing music in incredibly good ensembles.

making other people laugh.

comforting other people.

the list is longer, but I feel like you'll quite reading if I put more on there.

I'm ridiculously excited for saturday, ridiculously sad for ana, and feel ridiculously awkward at physicals.

in my opinion, giant zucchini do not remind me of horse penises.

perseid

Every year on my birthday, lots of things occur. like, for instance, my birthday. it is celebrated. also, a meteor shower happens on my birthday. The perseid meteor shower to be exact. I think its special that I was born during it. like the universe is giving me a present. or its trying to tell me something.

I'm going on what some would call a vision quest in a few days. I am very excited.

I'm in love, but not with you, with you.

Sometimes its extremely hard to say what needs to be said. I know that eventually I will have the courage, but not at the moment.

Whenever I look into the future, which I dont do very often, because its against what I'm about, I see two possibilities for myself. One, is living in new york with a certain someone, playing bassoon, and having beautiful children. the other is travelling the world with another someone. and simply doing that. just travelling.

Ive always felt that it might turn into something more eventually.

I miss katie a ridiculous amount.

I didnt think it was awkward...

You call it god, my parents call it the universe, I call it love.

I love you.

live. laugh. love.

MY life is not average. Just sayin. Although I think that website is hilarious, My life is no where near average. In fact, No one who is associated with me is anywhere near average. That is one of the unspoken conditions of knowing me.

reasons why my life is not average:

Two weeks ago, I pulled out a long grey hair from the middle of my forehead. last week I spent making college or proffessional level music with a bunch of juniors and sophomores in high school. next week I will be in seattle with two of my closest friends. I work in an organic foods store. I play the bassoon.

Does any of that sound average?

I'm not sure how I feel about a few things, and a for a few others, my feelings are abundantly clear.

I played music at my grandfathers memorial service today, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I didnt think I was going to be that emotional, but the tears just kept flowing. That is not normal for me. I'm not used to that.

I spent the entire last week amongst the best musicians in the state. Some were freakishly good. The music that we created together was nothing short of amazing, and has inspired me to want to suround myself with such talent later on in life.

On tuesday, I will be able to vote, smoke, gamble, and buy alchohol in wisconsin. Oh, and able to go into the service. how ridiculous.

When I die, what will I be remembered as?

There are several people who I miss a ridiculous amount, one in paricular. I have no idea what the hell I am going to do without her.

I'm thinking about the University of Kansas.

The only happiness you keep is the happiness you give away.

Thoughts on the peace pilgrim

maybe I had it all wrong:

when we think we possess people there's a tendancy to run their lives for them, and out of this develops an extremely inharmonious situation.

Then again, maybe I had it right:

since this is the only moment that one can live, if you dont live it you never really get around to living at all.

I think I got it right:

As soon as you begin working for the good of the whole, you fund yourself in harmony with all of your fellow human beings.


-the peace pilgrim


I agree with all three statements, although I needed help to realize the first one.

Today, I pulled a long grey hair out of the middle of my forehead. It made me feel like an incredibly old man. I'm not sure if my life is average.

I bought a bus ticket tonight. I will be turning 18 on a bus. I bet you wish that was the case for you.

on the other hand, your an idiot.

i'm sorry, someone once told me about a blog that he read that had the previous phrase in it. It made me laugh, and had jsut popped into my head.

This is the first day of the best month of my life. I have already decided that its the best month of my life, and there is nothing that anyone can do that will make it otherwhise.

I really wish I had a surprise party thrown for me. thats never been the case. I dont think it will this year, but still. I guess it doesnt make any sense to wish for a surprise party, that would be silly, because its selfish, and then it wouldnt be a surprise. Just so you know, I have removed that idea from my head.

My eyes hurt.

I love blogging, I can talk about myself, and its ok.

I probably have more to say, but I cant think of it right now.

before the tongue can speak, it must have lost the pwer to wound.

good night. and always remember that I love you.

twentysomething

By far my favorite musical artist at the moment is Jamie Cullum. There's jsut something about him that makes me Happy when I listen to him. I just love it.

I have many more things to say.

I had textversations with al three of the females whom I have had feelings for recently, today. I dont know what to think about that.

I had many a grand conversation in the last few days, mainly with the same one or two people. I wont tell you what they were about, but I will tell you that I have concluded, with the help of a good friend, that What I truly believe in is love. Love does make the world go round.

about 4 or 5 months ago, I spent every second I possibly could contacting a certain female. I now know how it feels to have that. I enjoy it. I know only good things can happen. therefore, only good things will happen.

I am sooooo fricking excited for this month. except for a little blip next weekend, its going to be so awesome. I even get to go on a date thing. which, I have never done before. wow, thats kinda depressing. but oh well, theres a first time for everything. man, I'm gonna feel like an adult fo damn sho when this month is through! The main reason or that though is probly because I'm going to be an adult.

I slept under the stars last night, It was so great.

I asked why she liked my blog, and she said exactly what I wantd to hear. I thank her again. Giving words meaning is what I have placed as my goal with this blog, I guess I accomplish it.

I need to listen to more music that is my own.

blogger friend needs to blog.

I'm a twentysomething, and thats a hell of a lot.

Things will be great, I wont let them not.

dreams tell you what you really want.

It's raining.

Some people take shots of whiskey, bourbon, milk? some people need shots of perspective. I'm here to give it to them.

We live on a planet. This planet has 6 and a half billion people on it. This planet is in a galaxy. in the galaxy there are billions and billions of stars. not the hollywood stars, actual stars. I'm talkin huge burning balls of helium and carbon, the smallest which are millions of times larger than this planet with 6 and a half billion people on it. that galaxy is in the universe. The universe has billions and billions of galaxies in it, each with billions and billions of stars in them each a vast distance away from eachother.

There are things much greater than any of us out there.

So, if you think the world revolves around you, it really doesnt.

just so you know, that isnt for anyone in particular. probly more me than anyone else.

I have spent the morning reading blogs and listening to music. I am enchanted by other peoples writing and life. I guess if you know the right people, you can find interesting things.

I had a dream with her in it last night. She said I wish we could still be friends. It made me quite sad.

laundry calls.

munificent

Life is all about being in balance. Balancing whatever you need to balance, in order so that you dont have too much of one thing. I say this, because today, I was out of balance. there was too much anger and frustration, and not enough patience. I am still learning to live the right way. It takes a while.

I am reminded that you are supposed to have three bowel movements a day.

When I say you, I do not mean anyone in particular. I simply mean you, the reader of this fantastic piece of writing. usually my comments towards others are statements.

Redundance.

My grandmother arrives tomorrow. She sleeps in my bed. She will enjoy her stay.

I await many things, but at the same time, try to live in the moment. I find that a good thing.

give thanks for the blessings that this day gives us, and give thanks for the blessings that we can give this day.

anodyne

A candle sits, lit
upon a table. It flickers,
growing brighter brighter, brighter still;
it illuminates the table, and all that is on it
giving life, love, joy, peace
to the objects that it needs to.
sitting, patiently awaiting its final breath,
it gives light, good if you will,
until the almighty hand swoops down,
and with a whisper says
sleep now, slumber; like all good things,

whoosh

there is an end.

-----------------------------------------

I see a man, every day, he sits in the same spot, orders the same food, stares out the same window, and sits the same way. I often wonder if he thinks the same thing every day, or what there would be to think about. I wonder what great adventures hes been on. he must have had enough, otherwhise he wouldnt be sitting there every day, he would be off doing more adventurous things. I like him though, he seems to exude calm.

I hope to become more relaxed in whatever I do. Its a goal I have.

I'm too tired to continue, I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts. I enjoy putting them down.

nebby nose

a nebby nose is someone who asks a lot of questions. like my cousin lori. I was grilled about everything under the sun tonight, and for the most part, it was not enjoyable.

I enjoyed connecting with my cousin, that was fun. I hope I made her laugh. I'm pretty sure I did.

I am overwhelmed by today.

I dont think I have the strength to do any more.

dont forget to do the dishes.

every things just a little... pissed off.

Last night I went to burger king with my father, and he was thinking about the angry whopper. he asked what was in it, the cashier dude said a bunch of angry vergetables and sauces. like angry onions, and angry sauce. my dad asked for an explanation, and he said, yeah... everythings jsut a little... pissed off.

It was quite humorous. what some fast food places will do...

anyways...

my grandfather died this evening. I'm really not sure what to think, I suppose the customary reaction would be grief and sadness.

whatever, I think I will put my emotion into the performance I have to give at the memorial thing tomorrow. That will be enough.

I hope his soul goes someplace good. I wouldnt want it in some unhappy place. I hope his soul ends up in a library. I think he would love that. or in the boundary waters with his ashes.

death. blah blah blah blah. everyone dies. Its gonna happen.

I'm gonna go put some pants on and eat a little grub.

This is deader than heaven on a saturday night.

I Spent the day in minneapolis. I came to visit my grandfather, but I ended up hanging out with my cousins who I never see. It was fun, and I'm glad I did it. Even if they are little and have high and annoying voices.

I also thought about religion and god a lot. I have concluded that I dont like almost being an adult, because that means I almost have to have opinions on all of that stuff. Like religion, and blah de blah. oh well.

I once had a conversation with tommy about religion, and he said something that I really like. He said that he believes it takes one his whole life to find his spiritual self, or meaning. I completely agree. But until I find that, I think I have to put my faith into something... So I'll just put it into something concrete, like the stars.

I do not have skype, I do have facebook. And I like conversations.

Leonard Cohen may be a great writer, but I was listening to a cd of his tonight, and I swear to god, whenever I came out of my thoughts, the first words I would hear would be "anal sex" or something like that. It was so weird.

I have no Idea where I want to go to college, and I'm already sick of people asking me. jeez, and this is only the beginning.

Have a good evening, and we shall chat more on the morrow.

Lecheim

Tonight, I watched an insanely good movie. Its called garden state, And I love it. Although, When I watch movies like that I get a little sad, because I like love, and yet I can never seem to find any.

I think I fell in love with the girl in the movie, her name is samantha. She is REAL. thats what I like about her, she may have flaws, but she doesnt care about them. Shes also quirky. I like quirks. She is also herself, which is the main thing that I care about.

Anyways, I wish she was real so we could be together.

I had a really good day though. I even danced for some customers.

One of the things that I really like about the store, is that you can be yourself, and no one will care. I love the fact that my mother has created an environment where that can be the case. Personally, when I dance and do things like that, I think thats what makes people want to come back. Not me dancing, because thats not impressive at all; But the fact that I can sing and dance in front of a customer. Its fun, not embarrassing.

but, maybe thats just me. The potter does say I'm thespian in nature.

I made a new friend today, now the real fun starts.

For whom the bell tolls

I have spent the morning listening to songs from fiddler on the roof. Mostly from the movie version. One thing I noticed, is that its a lot better than our little version we have going on. But, duh. It's a movie. I really want to see it though, my mother says you can really get the philosphical meaning from the movie, whereas its harder to get it from the play. Not sure if I agree with her there... oh well. I still want to see it.

last night, I went out with friends. It was fun, but I dont think I was in a very good mood, so it wasnt as fun as it could have been. the ride home was enjoyable though.

My mother used my computer without asking, which is another thing that greatly annoys me. I hate it when people use my things without asking. Once again, its like they dont care that its not their posession, and they dont care about the other people. But, shes my mother, so I let it slide.

I had a dream in which my father told me I didnt know how to go to the bathroom. I was extremely angry in my dream, I wonder what that means.

I've got a good feeling about something. I hope I'm right.

If I were a rich man.

I am a rich man. I am rich in all the things I want to be rich in. So, I shant complain. I'm not like tevye.

opening night was successfull, noone died, and I was only completely off in one song.

you all should come sometime. sheldon theater, 7 o'clock. tomorrow and saturday.

rita hayworth is gorgeous.

I shaved.

I need to clean my room.

I only have one more thing to say.

it annoys me to no end when I dont get a response back from a text message. even just a "cool" or "ok." It makes me feel like I'm not worth the time it takes to send a message

like the good book says

what makes it THE good book. there are plenty of good books. I have a whole ton on my desk right now.

my shoulder hurts. I think that should be fixed.

I am officially in love with yoga. Both its ideas and practice are very attractive to me; I feel if I continue to do yoga, only good things will happen. I feel as though every part of my life will improve.

I enjoy being relaxed, the corpse pose was my favorite thing, even though only two or three minutes passed during that time, it felt like an hour, of just my mind being blank. I loved it. I guess thats the first time ive really experienced meditation.

Oh, I'm so excited to delve into the depths of this stuff! I cant wait!

I feel like I'm stuck in a routine. Thats going to change.

I want to dream of you.

have fun in your endeavours, I know you'll do great.

I love you

I love you, I hope I can make you happy.

I love the way you talk, I love the way you talk. I love the way you are. dont change.

There are 3 things a person needs to be truly happy in this world. someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.


dont listen to anything anyone says even if I say it, unless it agrees with your thoughts and common sense.

the buddha is a great man. I strive to be like him.

cheer up, and think of what makes you happy.

what do you do when you wake up?

When I first wake up, mmy mind is blank.

I once had a conversation with someone who said that she thought of everything that made her happy when she woke up. Me, I seem to just be a blank slate. Not until about 4 minutes after I wake up does even the thought of having to go to the bathroom come into my head.

I was just wondering what you think upon waking up.

anyways, yesterday was the longest day i have had in a long time, and today will be the exact same.

love makes the world go round.

have a grand day.

hail mary, full of grace.

Tonight, there are many things that I am sure of.

the first thing is that I really need to clip my right pinky toenail. It's getting gross.

the second thing is that michael jackson warms the cockles of my mothers heart. she told me so.

The third thing is that the movie King of california is quite a good one.

The fourth thing is that I am really glad to be back in lake city.

The fifth thing is that I wish everything would work out great.

The 6th thing is that I hope you have a good night.

The last thing is that someone just twittered.

the queen

marie antoinette is also not a good movie. It is awkward, and the music is out of place. I do not reccommend it (excuse my spelling).

Public enemy is not a bad movie. I quite enjoyed it.

I had some experiences today, I wont tell you what the involved, but I will tell you that people from chicago think I'm a virgin, (and theyre right) and there are racist people in minneapolis. But, at least I know that there used to be a theater where they played dirty movies on the corner of 6th and hennepin in downtown minneapolis.

I return to lake city in el morning. and I guess am hanging out with tom and krista after work. It should be fun. but, before then, I will be seeing some relatives, who I have not seen in a very long time.

I hope that my grandfather pulls through. It would make me sad if he died.

just so you know, the last three titles of my blogs are the titles of the three movies that avram rented that I have not seen yet. I have now seen volver and marie antoinette, but not the queen.


thank you.


good night, and good luck.

marie antoinette

volver is actually not that great of a movie, its really confusing, and takes way to long to resolve all the conflicts that are brought up. It annoys me.

I sat in a hospital for close to 6 hours today, not moving a lot, and holding my grandfathers hand.

I also had dinner with my friends gaseous grandmother, who is very nice, and makes delicious meatloaf.

I miss krista, mike, all those lake city people... i havent seen enough of you over the last few weeks.

I must leave for the moment. Ill talk with you later.

Volver

Today has been an extremely long day, filled with an extreme ammount of emotion.

I have, in no particular order:

Nearly cried at a hospital

Explored a girls locker room

Watched my father hit on a nurse

read a chapter of the 6th harry potter book out loud

watched silence of the lambs

made sandwhiches for old women

ate delicious chinese food

and texted, a lot.


I dislike hospitals, they make me feel fake. I feel like there are no real emotions there, everyone tries to be happy, but they turn out with this awkward type thing that no one likes to be around. Especially cardiologists like jeff johnson and left handed irishmen like eamonn fahy.

I am in minneapolis right now, and for once, I feel at home.

its good to be back.

I'm walking behind you.

Thats the title of my new favorite song. It basically desscribes my relationship to a T with someone. Every single word of it...

Anyways, the last 6 days have been... describable. For my sanity, I will not describe them. Just know, that there were good times, times where I wanted to shoot people, and times where I just wanted to cry.

I am glad to be back, I missed my favorite greatly. I am glad to have arrived back.

I hope my grandfather doesnt die, hes got some problems goin on at the moment.

I hope you dont die either, regardless if you have problems or not.

Its raining

Its raining here, where I am. 

I am in a gas station, on my dads laptop. Its fun, but, sleeping on a coach bus is not fun. neither are loud people when you are trying to sleep on said coach bus. 

It seems as though yesterday was a good day for everyone involved. I'm glad. I hope to see you soon. 

Good day, and I hope that Everything turns out a-ok. 

There are two sides to every coin.

I dont feel like being long winded, so I will keep this short.

I dont like it when my father is wishy washy, its annoying.

I dont like bad attitudes, in general. They annoy me greatly.

I dont like not being able to say anything.

I do like my friends. So, everything is good.

Good night, and I bid thee adieu for the next 6 days, unless I get a chance to blog while I have my travelling boots on.

Love is...

Thats the title of a story that I won't finish writing. I won't finish it because I'm too lazy to spend the time and effort to get to the theme, and I would rather be doing other things, like going on facebook, and thinking about how cool it would be to be a transformer.

In any case.

I saw transformers tonight, and it was basically one big explosion. Which I enjoyed thoroughly. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I am transformed. But I cant let you guys see my transformation because then the decepticons would find me. So, you will just have to believe me.

I feel like this blog post has no meaning or purpose.

so I will stop. but I leave you with one thing.

I think that briana dankers is also a transformer. her name is optimus prom.

Snatch.

This is the second time I've used that as a title. But, I could care less. did you know that snatch is another word for vagina? I'm pretty sure it is.

In any case.

I dont like it when people ask others about the status of their virginity. Its unecessary, and noone should care. Someone used to always ask me that, and I became quite frustrated and angry about it.

I thought I liked being alone, but now, I realize that I dont really. Being alone is just a time to be lost in your thoughts, and right now, I dont like that. I would rather my mind be off that stuff, and being around other people helps to keep the mind off of that.

I love my friends. I had a great time tonight.

I'm tired, so I think I wil go to sleep.

have a good evening, and just remember that I love you.

synecdoche

I had a steak at midnight. I feel like an adult. there is no one here that can tell me what to do, when to eat, when not to eat. I like it. I will probly gain some weight from it, but I could give a rats patoot about that.

I watched a movie that was... interesting. It made me tear up a little at times, and at others, made me go "what the hell just happened?" there was lots of strange things. It was as if I was watching a dream. and I still dont understand the burning house.

I move on, and then I find another. Thats how its always been, thats how it always will be. until I find something to fill that void. In any case, I really wish I would have had more cash. I feel like the ferris wheel could have been so... I'm not sure. Beautiful. Sure, We will go with beautiful.

ah well, another day my dear.

I should be a chef. People always enjoy the food that I make.

I hope I dont end up like caden. I will not allow myself to be lonely. I will discover who I am, and feed my needs. Not just allow others to spoon feed me my life.

This is me, and I love you.

good night.

wind cries mary

Today, I took in the sights and sounds of something that was utterly awesome, and decided that I would like to be a part of that when I am older, and more experienced. I also heard something that almost made me cry, and was so angry, if a baby would have been near me, I would have slapped it.

Someone sitting near me on the bus made me want to strangle something, but luckily, I was able to tune her out for most of the ride. Twas only in the latter parts of my journey did she really get to me. But, I survived, and am now content.

My dreams are telling me I'm not a happy person. I feel happy these days, but I guess, like krista, my subconscious knows things that I dont.

I love marching band. I always have. Just thought I would make that clear to everyone. Dont ask me why, its just something that I have a passion for.

its 1:11. seeing three ones in a row made me chuckle a little. MLIA.

have a good day, hopefully I shall see you after the sun goes down on this, the first day of the grand celebration locally known as waterski days.

ciao dizzle girlfresh.

Pinchas Zukkerman

I had a good day. Good enough that while I'm sitting in my chair, I say (in my head of course): man, what a good day.

I realized today how lucky I am to have everything that I have. My job, my mother, my father, my opportunities, my friends, my health, and my ridiculously beautiful self.

I want to turn off the TV right now, since I cant hear it, but the remote is far away, and my dad is now watching it. so scratch that idea.

Some spanish soccer players are ridiculously beautiful. I wish I was the goaltender for the national team. Or fernando torres. Or, David Villa. Or, just that whole team.

I always say, do what makes you happy. Right now, I like eating, watching movies, playing my bassoon, and being around krista and all my other friends. So, I have been doing that as much as possible lately.

I just became a fan of morgan freeman's voice. What!

In any case, I am completely tuning out my dad right now, I have sound cancelling head phones on and my music loud. I am enjoying it thouroughly.

I am going to make a bunch of lists tomorrow. Here is a list of the lists I am going to make.

1. Things to do in my life.
2. Things to do in seattle.
3. Things I want to add to my life.
4. Things I want to delete from my life.


At the risk of being compared to Ms. Myran, I think I will stop, but you get the idea. I have lists that I want to make. I'm going to sleep on it, and start tomorrow.

Have a good evening, I hope it is as enjoyable as my day was.

I wouldnt mind someone to talk to tonight, just to have something to do.

bye. and my feet are sweaty.

Mozart, Beethoven, Hummel, and Tansman

Today:

What I didnt do:

1) receive a text back from one of my closest friends.

2) after 10, come into contact with anyone Under the age of 40.

3) spend any minute of my day in any sort of comfort.

4) Have a long conversation at work as is typical on tuesdays, due to the fact that my coworker is in san diego.



What I did do:

1) played music, a lot of mozart, and not much else.

2) sweated.

3) gave advice on the master cleanse

4) saw two asian men wearing the exact same outfit, which included no shirt, and short shorts.



What I think about all that:

I am annoyed that I didnt receive a text back, as this is the second night this week that this has occured. I feel that it is better to simply state what you want to say, instead of ignoring it. My dad always harps on me about not being passive agressive, its kinda rude.

I miss nathan, I would have worked with him today.

Since I wont be pouring all of my emotions into a certain someone anymore, I need to find something new to put my emotion and passion into. that something is music. I have decided that I am going to spend at least two hours a day practicing mmy various things, which I made a list of yesterday. its quite a long list as well.

What I want more than anything, is to find someone who will love me like I love them. I want to fall asleep beneath a tree holding hands with them, I want to take a walk at midnight with them down by the lake. I want to hold them when they are scared, I want a shoulder to cry on when I am sad. I want to comfort them when they are sad. I want to watch them while they sleep.

I guess I just want someone to love.

asian men with few clothes on make me laugh.

Heat is oppressive. I wish I could jsut spend all day in the store every day, that would make me glad.

tomorrow, my dog dies. I dont know what to think about that.

have a good evening, and I hope you are freed from the chains that bind you. not anyone in particular, just whoever is reading this, I hope you are freed.

good night.

level, shakers, ciroc, belvedere, three olives, smirnoff, absolut, and three others.

I look at the stars each night, and there is always one star that stands out to me. Its a different one every night, and yet, its the same one every night. I look because I am attracted to the calmness that the stars exude, even though I know that the stars are perhaps some of the most volatile things in the universe, from here they are calm. Sometimes, I feel like I am a star.

You get what I'm trying to say.

I may seem calm, but my inner self is boiling with so many thoughts and feelings, that I dont know what to do with them. I think it would be good if I saw someone...

I am excited. I bought tickets tonight, which makes everything official. I cannot wait.

I am also excited for the musical opportunities that have presented themselves this summer. Its going to be a summer of growth and fun. I cannot wait for it to really begin.

I feel good today.

Ciao dizzle homeslice. we'll chill tomorrow.

deletion

I basically deleted someone from my life tonight. It had to be done. I was causing to much distress. It had to be done.

I feel alone. I just want to talk to someone... and only one person stepped to the plate. so I thank you.

I just saw a waitress get clotheslined in a movie. it made me laugh inside. I'm not capable of laughing on the outside right now.

Before, I felt like I could begin anew. Now, I feel like vomiting.

I get my ACT score back in a few days... I hope I did better than bobby falde... if thats possible.

In search of...

I look around. All around. THere are gorgeous people around. Beautiful people. Beautiful women.
I look around, and I dont see any of them. All I see is her.

I want to talk to someone right now, Ive got so many things running through my mind, and the one who I need to tell them to is not awake. no one is. poop.

Ah well.

I really want to laugh so hard I forget where I am. I forgot that I had that goal for a while. I need to get on that.

I guess I will go to sleep since I have nothing better to do.

good night.

Snatch.

I broke my fast yeterday morning. I'm ok with that, because it was not a good idea to fast during marching band anyways.

I almost passed out during the parade last night. It was not good.

Old country buffet absolutely disgusts me. I am never eating there. Ever. Even the salad makes me want to vomit.

Tonight is a fire. woooo.

Things that annoy me:

people not texting me back. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the time it takes to send a text.

People being angry at me.

Loud people.

my mother, at times.

my father, at times.

----------------------------

all those things were a part of my life in the last couple days. I hope it gets better.

In other news, I miss all the people that I havent hung out with in a while. maybe I will see them tonight.

have a good day, and dont get on my bad side. if there is such a thing.

breaking point

I am broken. I broke.

Another time.

I am offended. I dont know how to mend this offence.

I am not home. Call me.

gratitude

I started off thinking that this was going to be an angry blog, but then I, with the help of someone else, realized that that would do no good.

and so...

Things that I am grateful for:

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for the life that I have.

I am grateful for the opportunities that I have.

I am grateful for the friends that I have.

I am grateful for the mindset that I have.

I am grateful for fasting.

I am grateful for clear minds.

I am grateful for good decisions.

I am grateful for the ones who love me.

I am grateful for the ones who support me in whatever I do.

I am grateful for good food.

I am grateful for you.

You are what makes me happy. And for that, I am forever in your debt.

a momentary lapse in reason.

Since the beginning of time, the year 0 shall we say, I have not missed more than 1 day of blogging. until the last week, that is. I havent blogged in a while, and while I'm sure you all missed my rambling, depressing thoughts, I dont care. I wasnt in a position to blog, so I dont care.

In any case, the past few days have been eventful. and depressing for me. The one who I love doesnt even want to be around me, my dog is gonna be put down, and, I'm not eating. but, the last one isnt sad or depressing really, I just wanted to complain about it.

actually, this cleanse hasnt been that hard. I know I was complaining about it earlier, but, I really could care less if I eat. If I didnt have to eat, I wouldnt. granted, I love food, but, I feel so much better when I dont eat.

Mr. holland gave me a back massage today. I wasnt expecting it, and didnt know who was giving it to me. my first thought was to slap whoever it was, because I hate it when people touch my back without asking, but then I didnt. and for that I am glad.

There are two people that are constantly on my mind. every single moment that I am on this planet, there are two people that exist somewhere within the depths of my conscious. right now, one doesnt want to be around me, and the other, well, she likes me.

I have to pee, but I dont want to get up.

it'll get to me eventually.

have a good sleep.

bertha, why do you do this to me?

Today... napping, tennis, movie wathcing, and anger/sadness/frustration occured.

I was angry and frustrated with the fact that bertha at the dollar store made me write a check, instead of using plastic money like I usually do.

I was angry and frustrated with the fact that people were making obnoxiously loud noises.

I was sad that hopes harvest couldnt cheer me up.

I was sad that andrea fell asleep on me last night.

but then, I took a nap, and it all went away. I watched a movie, and then went to play some tennis.

Me and alfred are a good team. most of the time.

Why did the tomato blush?

because he saw the salad dressing.


Tomorrow will be fun. wish me luck.

good eve.

quasi...

Today was enjoyable. I enjoy nathan frye. I enjoy holly. and now, I am tired.

I dont feel like I have any insights for tonight, except that it is a good thing to take a break. I took a break today, and twas good indeed. I spent time with different people. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

I really like subway. It might be my favorite thing. I feel happy when I'm eating it.

Older women always find me "handsome." I know this because I have had two different friends tell me that their mother thinks I am handsome. plus, all the old ladies in town just come to hopes harvest to flirt with me. Its true... just ask anyone who works with me...

loud people annoy me. but, only some loud people. there are a few loud people that I can stand. you know who you are.

arrogance annoys me. I feel like I can be a bit arrogant at times... I hope I dont come off as that.

the only thing weird about today was a question someone asked me.

but, thats ok. I still enjoyed it. and I bought people subway, which made me feel nice.

indeed, I am tired. very tired.

so, I say to you, goodnight.

A title just doesnt seem fitting.

I have decided that the only music that I can always listen to is classical. No matter what time it is, where I am, what I am doing, I can always listen to classical music. Not that I dont like other music, because I do. It just seems that other music sometimes... hurts my ears when I listen to it.



In other news, I have my phone back. And I have spent all day trying to make up for lost time this weekend. Although, after spending time with certain people, I am ever more conscious of the effect the cellular telephone has on friendships... I think, if I could, I wouold toss my phone out the window. but, then I wouldnt be able to talk to some people. and that would sadden me greatly.

I spent about an hour and a half in snyders tonight. I talked with gretchen and ashley. I like them both. they make me laugh, and smile. I look forward to spending more time with both of them.

There are so many things wrrong with this culture... But, I'm not in the position to change it, so I will just do my part and contribute something good. you should too.

I dont want an Itouch, because then I know I would use it unfavorably. And I dont want to subject myself, or other people to that.

I think I need a break from somethings.

Hopefully, I will do something tonight that I havent done since thursday night.

and with that, I say to you...

goodnight.

thats all I wanted.

If theres one thing I am not good at, it is asserting myself. Asserting myself in order to get what I want. But, I could care less about that. All I care about is the fact that I have other people that care about me. thats all I wanted yesterday, and today I finally got it.

That is all.

Good night.

100 days of solitude.

this is my 100th blog. A while back I looked through all my blogs, and I realized that the problems I faced at the beginning of my blogging career are the same as right now. Just in different forms. This leads me to believe that The problems we have are not really problems at all. they are just things that take us away from the life that we need to live, and that we put them there. other people do not cause our problems. We cause our own problems because we want them.

I would much rather just realize that I cant have everything I want, and that everything will work out. But, its too hard.

On the other hand... I feel like there is not as much love in my universe as there once was...

I also feel sad... for I would think that contacting someone every day for several months, and them telling you that they enjoy talking with you would make them want to contact you. but, that is not the case. Oh well.

My dad has never returned. I think he was on a date. cool.

I want to play music for a living. I have decided that.

I hope krista finds her check...

goodnight.

she was very nice...

just so you all know, the lady who helped me on the phone was very nice. her name was lisa, and I think I love her.

adios.

A bird might poop on you...

I am in the process of putting an insurance claim on my phone. It is frustrating me greatly. I typed in my adress, and it decided that it wasnt good enough. So, now I have to call them. Anger.

So, if you want to contact me, you wont be able to. Not for the next couple of days at least.

It will be good for me I think. I wont be talking to that someone who I usually talk to. but, thats ok. I will find out if they really care for me.

Tomorrow should be busy. very busy.

The first step to solving your problems is realizing that you have none.

I'm gonna go deal with that phone thing right now.

adieu, madamoiselle.

adieu, monsieur.

battery low.

I need to recharge my batteries. I am burnt out on some things. I am burnt out on my mother, I am burnt out of not sleeping in.

I am burnt out on my phone being stupid.

I am burnt out on not seeing katie.

I am burnt out on constantly thinking that people dont like me. because I know thats not true.

I am burnt out on annoyance.

I am burnt out on not having someone to hold.

I am burnt out on not speaking my mind.

I am burnt out on not being myself.

I am burnt out on one person in particular and dont worry, its none of you who read this.

and, I am ready to be plugged in for the night.

good eve.

I love you all

I love andrea, I love bessie, not tara though.

I love marching band. I have always loved it, and putting in the hard work just makes it all the better.

I love my friends. I have always loved them, they bring my spirits up when I am sad, and make me happier when I am glad.

I love playing tennis with old men. Especially when reall good ones tell me they're "never going to hit it to your fuckin forehand again." it made me glad. like I actually did something good.

I love the people that I am surrounded by. They make me feel like a real person, rahter than some puppet-thing that walks around and does nothing for himself.

I love my mother. even though she is embarrassing.

I love you andrea, I love you bessie.

I love you all.

kerplunk

what is necessary.. is never unwise.

I took a ride today, I took a few naps, I saw star trek, I gathered insights, and I listen to girls talk. what a productive, yet relaxing day.

After laying on my bed for an hour, I decided that it was not in my best interest to be there, so I decided to ride my bike. I wont say my real motivation, but I went. I biked up a huge hill, and then decided on my way back that I would stop by my favorite beach. I ended up throwing rocks, and falling asleep. it was nice.

while I was tossing rocks into the lake, I noticed something. I noticed that the ease of which you go somewhere is dependant on the route you take. The rocks that I tried to skip went forward a little bit through the water, and then dropped, while the rocks that I threw up, simply went straight to the bottom. Now, at the time, I was very distraught over a situation that I thought was occurring. and so, I decided to apply my thoughts, and took a different angle. it worked. I became less stressed, and everything worked out fine. I felt proud of myself for that.

I also fasted today. Dont call me unhealthy, I just want to better myself.

once again, spunky old ladies make me happy. and some children are so much like their parents, its uncanny. have a grand old evening.

arr...

garr... everything seems pirate like today. I changed my facebook language to pirate speak, I watched a movie with a pirate in it, and there were even references to pirates at din din.

in any case... nosh us a yiddish word meaning "to eat, or to snack." it is also my second favorite restaraunt of all time. and most definately my favorite here in lake city.

I will be a rcih person one day, and be able to afford ging there twice a week. I will sit at the bar, and drink martinis, and wine, and talk to ankur. he may or may not like me, but that is ok. oh and by the way, this fictional world that I am creating does not exist in lake shitty. but in fact, some other big city. like new york.

I also realized that i really like taking showers. and that I dont like getting up early, and that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I realized that sometimes, you need to take a break, and everything will turn out fine in the end.

I like spunky old ladies. they make me happy.

have a good evening.

pomp and circumstance

I jsut got out of the shower. I went in thinking that I would reflect upon my day, and think of what insights to insert into this here piece of writing. I walked out thinking how much that body wash I use makes my junk smell like vanilla. Twas a very productive shower indeed.

in any case, I played pomp and circumstance today. we almost messed it up royally, but, we didnt. probly because i'm in the band.

I also thought about what the word commencement means. I was under the impression that it means starting something. and I always took this graduation day as a day for things to end. its the end of highschool. for the most part, it signifies the end of friendships, and the end of relationships that have been cultivated for 12 long years.

But then I realized that it doesnt signify that at all. it marks the beginning of the rest of your life.
I dont feel like elaborating, because everyone knows what that means.

I get to eat expensive food for free tomorrow. I'm excited.

my phone jsut buzzed rather angrily at me. I shall see you tomorrow.

dont forget to drop your jaw when playing those low notes.

the crying game.

I feel like crying right now. Just so everyone knows. Reflecting upon my day, I could talk about all the good things that happened. all the laughter that occured, which was a lot, and all the fun things that happened. which there were also a lot. But, instead my thoughts keep on dwelling on my inability to take a joke, and my incredibly thin skin.

I remember even when I was little, all my friends would always make fun of me, and I would take everything personally, even though most of it was meant as a joke. I didnt understand the concept of a "joke." I thought it was me being made fun of for things that I hold no control over.

I realize that I need to listen to what I always say to everyone else. I need to just let things flow over me, and hold on to only the things that I like. but you know, from some people, I end up holding on to other things.

I guess I learned a lot of things about myself today. I learned that there is always at least one person who can make me smile, and that person varies from day to day. I learned that I make noises when I sleep. NOISE NOISE NOISE. and i learned that I dont function well on 4 hours of sleep at my job.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of that. ^ done.


In other news, I'm very happy for all my friends who are graduating tomorrow.

in still other news, I still love you with all my heart.

live. laugh. love.

I have the second two down... sometimes I have a little trouble with the first.

I had a title, but I forgot it

today was amazing. I have to say. despite some of the awkwardness that seemed to follow me wherever i go, It was amazing.

It was the first day of summer today. I spent it sleeping, cleaning, and being awkward. the sleeping was amazing. the cleaning was cleansing, and the awkward was...awkward.

the cleaning felt so good to do. It was as cleansing as a hot bath, and a hell of a lot more productive. I didnt realize how much of a slob I was until I picked up all the crap thats been lying on my floor for months and months. I'm glad I found that out, because it is highly unattractive, and gross...

I also decided today that no matter how much effort I have to put into school, I am going to get a 4.0 next year. I will make every effort, and take every step to do that. I will also help someone else do that, I will feel extra good about myself after it. I'm excited.

krista is coming over to my house in approximately 3 hours. I am very excited. we are going to have an excellent time.

I think I'm going to drink my red bull at 1. perhaps I will still be hyper at 3 when she arrives.

if I'm not, I will make it so.

Have a good evening.

I should really watch those movies that I rented, but I dont want to, because that would make me fall asleep...

have a good night.

you are amazing.

when I was little, my dad had this magnet on the fridge. I believe it was called "101 praises" or something to that effect. He would always read those things to me. They would be things like "your super!" or "wow, great work!" or other things of that nature. they were just simple things like that, but I really truly believe those things helped me a lot when I was younger.

I told two people some praises from that today, I hope it made them feel nice. It made me feel nice to tell it to them. I jsut remember how it made me feel when he would tell that to me...I hope they felt the same...

in other news...today was the last day of school. I'm so glad its over, so now I dont have to fake like I am putting in effort. I can just put effort into things that I actually care about.

I really want to go to a movie. someone should take me to one...

so ends another year. and so begins another lifetime.

good morrow my dear friends and random people who may stumble across this piece of writing. I hope I have provided you with some good words.

I shall now sleep...

my patronus is shaped like ms wait

this is me and mike. we're good friends.

mike was the first person to invite me over to his house in lake city, and for that I am forever grateful. I look forward to spending the summer hanging with him, krista, and a few others. I think it will be such the fun summer.

in other news, I had a nice time with krista tonight, we talked about many things and I bought her dairy queen. I love it.

In still other news, my mother asked me about this thing here (blog) I was a little taken aback that she reads it...but, its the internet, so what can you do?

In still other news, famous daves is why america is a great country.

or, it could be because I live here that america is a great country...

I ate a pizza today. what have you done?

It annoys me when people become too competitive. I guess I am at fault for that sometimes, but, that is human nature. It annoys me when people take something fun, and make it not fun. such was the case with the scavenger hunt. so we cheated on one pic. who cares? its about creativity, and having fun. we were able to accomplish that. were you?

in other news, school is pointless, I miss my senior friends, band seems pointless without tommy, everything else seems pointless with out everything else.

but, as my newfound motto states, oh well. most things are only temporary. same with this part of my life.

I was trying to remember when I came to realize that who I was was an excellent person and I didnt need to change that. I cant remember, I think I was jsut born with that sense. haha.

I can remember the first time I realized that I would never go into a hollister or abercrombie though. that was in 9th grade.

I refuse to go into one of those. they, along with american idol, are the decline of human civilization.

I wonder about some people.

amy dudley cracks me up.

have a grand old evening.

TITTIES!!!!

I had a good day today. I think...

have you ever been called a ass lick face fucker by a kindergartener? neither have I. but my bassoon teacher has...

I wonder where he learned that language.

oh well, I guess thats what comes from living in red wing.



I ahve found that if I leave something alone, it usually comes back to me. maybe I should do that more often.

uploading pictures on facebook is very tedious.

when I have children, I will sing them to sleep.

sleep is in my future.

the word for tonight is shalacked

shalacked as in the twins got shalacked the last week, but are now putting on a shalacking of the national league.

I feel shalacked right now. my tiredness is unparralelled, and I wish I could just sleep forever.

I feel shalacked in body and mind. I have spent an entire day thinking. it takes a lot out of you, thinking. in fact right now, I am so tired that I have my eyes closed while I am blogging because I dont even have the strength to open them...how ridiculous.

I wish I could just constantly be with my friends. spending time with my folks is good and all, but, I would rather be with my friends. namely a few special friends. because they make me happy when I am around them. and I like being happy.

I will spend time with one of those friends tomorrow, and another one of those friends on friday. hopefully.

grand.

tired. like none other.

good night.

foraging for intellectuals.

I went on a scavenger hunt today. I found lots of things, including new friends. and by friends, I mean people that think I'm crazy. I found overalls being used as a bee swatter. I found a mother enjoying conversation with her son and his friends. I found a beautiful owner of a fancy restaraunt. I found a delicious sandwitch. I found 3 morels when I was hoping for 6. I found bananas. I found delicious ice cream. I found great friends. and I found my sanity. it had apeared that I lost it.

I dont have much else to say, except that paranoia annoys me, even though I can get quite paranoid. but, such is the way of the human.

have a good evening.

I'm gonna name a child thadeus.

my grass is like my hair. short and going everywhere.

I'm going to grow a beard. I will be a rugged, sexy man. Just thought you would like to know that.

I have concluded that I am the worst good student ever.

both me and my father have sneezed in the last two minutes.

I realize that all the people that I talk to frequently love me, and I love them a trememndous amount.

I also spend a lot of time not doing my homework.

Today was the seniors last day of school. which means that tomorrow, the rest of my posse wont be there. and the next day, and the next day. and every single day after that. this fact makes me extrememly sad. a single tear just rolled down my face. but thats because I just yawned. I would cry, could I cry over things like this.

If there is one thing that I could not live without, it is touch. I have concluded that we need touch. I hugged three different people. one of them once, and the other two twice. and it just feels nice. I feel like I dont get enough of that...

I slept outside last night. twas very comfortable indeed.

my phone is once again buzzing off the hook.

I must leave.

I have a test tomorrow, and no belly to rub.

o! cruel fate! why do you torture me so!?

movement impaired.

The heat has left me movement impaired.

I'm pretty sure tonight, I am very pessimistic.

ITS HOT!

republicans are hyporites, and a lot of people believe in them.

and american idol has a grip upon society that is completely and utterly ridiculous.

I have shit in my throat.

I cant move right now, so I have to watch keith olberman. hes not bad, but I dont care about politics right now. its jsut dumb. I would much rather care about things that actually matter. not that politics dont...

there are some ridiculous people that will be graduating this year. I'm glad.

my phone is buzzing quite a lot. I must leave.

have a grand old evening.